Excuse of a life...

Need To

Fri, 07 Dec 2007 00:27:07 GMT

I need to cry so badly but I cant. I cant because it's such a weak thing and I told myself not to be weak because every single time Im weak I binge. So I havent cried since last month. Okay. So I want to cry but I wont. Next.

I really want to be intelligent. Like......ugh. I'm not saying Im not. My brother is studying to be an engineer, my father is a CEO of a company blah blah the point is I know I can be what I want....but I'm so depressed and I'm on so many drugs......but there are times when I'm just sitting around thinking...and I want sooo badly to be normal The feeling is so deep. I feel like my body is really really deep and the feeling runs all throughout. .And it's so simple. I want to be great.

And to be great I think I have to be skinny. Because when I'm skinny I'll be a little closer to being a little more perfect.

help!!

Wed, 21 Nov 2007 00:36:06 GMT

Have any of you drank vinegar???? I hear its good for the metabolism but I want more details.

please please if you have or if youve heard anyhting...tell me : ]

Like...how much each day..what times do you take it...how much its helped.
thanks so much huns

xx
*hugs*

HELP!!!

Wed, 21 Nov 2007 00:25:14 GMT

Tue, 20 Nov 2007 23:10:34 GMT

Hey girls....

I was on a fast today but I wasn't allowed to.
I hate how parents have so much control. HATE IT!!!!!!!!

:'{

But I did restrict major amounts. I think I had about 200 cals today.
stay strong lovelies xx *hugs*

Thank you

Mon, 19 Nov 2007 23:58:41 GMT

Thanks so much you guys
I was feeling so low...and I just wanted to thank all the girls commenting on my posts and helping me feel better
were all in this together and you guys help me more than any diagnostic doctor/parent/sibling ever could.
xxxxxxx

Mon, 19 Nov 2007 23:14:42 GMT

I binged today : [
It started at lunch when I "had" to have just one chocolate bar. then it escalated and you dont know how I feel.
Im a royal let down.
I let myself down mostly.
Im really scared that Im going to keep binging......what if I gain back everything I lost?

I'm so scared that my will power has fallen...... : [

Can someone help me......I dont even feel like continuing. I cant control my intake and nothing else works and ugh. I just want to hurt really badly. Physically cause I'm already hurting enough inside.

Sun, 18 Nov 2007 18:03:45 GMT

okay I'm feeling awful.

height: 5 ft. 7 in.
cw: 160
hw: 180
lw: 140
gw1: 140
gw2: 120

I'm sorry you guys....I'm such a failure.

Sun, 18 Nov 2007 17:23:40 GMT

does no one comment anymore.....................................?

I'm feeling awful cause Im not losing as much weight as I want to but Im restricting and restricting . uugghh

Pot?

Sun, 18 Nov 2007 16:34:41 GMT

Does anyone know what pot does to the metabolism???

Didnt eat much yesterday. Just a little supper. Maybe a LITTLE more than what I should have had. But I still haven't lost any more weight...
maybe I've plateaued(sp)???? Its so hard......

............

Sat, 17 Nov 2007 16:58:05 GMT

Yesterday was my first day at swimming. I feel so energized afterwards...and it burns so many calories.
But I did have candy at lunch ::: [ Thats why I fasted for the rest of the day and did an hour and a half of swimming.....

I still don't think I burned it all off. I hate scales...but I can't live without them.

It's the weekend girls......anyone have a plan on how we're going to stay on track during the weekend??\xx tt stay strong

Fri, 16 Nov 2007 00:15:39 GMT

okay I want to cry.
Not because of binging...I havent binged since last weekend.
But because I'm letting myself be weak. I let this guy upset me...I'm such a weak loser.

uuuuuuuuuuggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh
now I dont want to cry...I'm so mad at myself.

I wish I could be in someone else's body. Someone skinnier that has no problems.
But I make my problems myself...I'm such a loser.

amazing

Thu, 15 Nov 2007 23:26:13 GMT

!! ana song!!

"crawling" by linkin park

Thu, 15 Nov 2007 23:03:14 GMT

Thinking of thin wrists.
Thin wrists.
Bones showing.

I dreamt of eating last night. Is that normal???

Doing okay today. Didnt eat anything until dinner (besides 0 cal tangerine) and then had a smalll suppper....mostly salad and veges. I shouldn't have had the half bun though...........

Hope you girls are doing well.
p.s. down 4 pounds.

I'm Wondering...

Wed, 14 Nov 2007 23:26:01 GMT

Is it weird that I don't want to socialise and/or live with my family just for the opportunity to not eat???

I mean.....I seriously want to live alone. My family is okay...and it's not them...it's just what they do to me. I wish I didnt have to eat.

Is it weird that I like the feel of dizziness?? And that the thing I think about the most is food even though I hate it???
There must be some themes occurring here......

*think skinny wrists*
*think of hip bones sticking out*
*think of defined collar bones*
*concentrate hate and dont eat*

xx

Spin, Spin, Spin

Wed, 14 Nov 2007 23:07:31 GMT

My head has been spinning all day today.
And I'm sooo tired. Do you girls get tired alot????

I had no breakfast, no lunch, and a little supper. Small yet I still feel fat : [

xx *hugs?*

Tue, 13 Nov 2007 23:25:14 GMT

Reading a book that really inspires me to not eat.

"All she ever wanted"

I recommend it to you : ]

I had 50 cals for breakfast, nothing for lunch, small salad, few spoons of veges, and half a bun for supper.
Im thinking I should have totally cut out the bun......ugh.

How are you girls doing???? I want to start swimming. I want to be confident. And skinny = confidence.

xxxx *hugs*

Tue, 13 Nov 2007 00:00:33 GMT

Im really afraid of messing up my teeth with purging.
Does anyone know any tricks to make sure my teeth dont go yellow???? I have braces by the way..... I dont want like marks when I get them off : [

Does anyone know how fattening corn is????????

*aspiring to have skinny wrists*

Deep Breaths

Mon, 12 Nov 2007 23:09:30 GMT

Okay today was good.
Didnt have much at all. Mostly fruit...and supper was a little rice with mostly corn.

I still think I could have eatten less though...so I just finished throwing up what I could.

I'm feeling better but still dont like food. Its so weird to think that the thing I fear most is food.......

I hope you girls are doing well and keeping your heads up xx

Sun, 11 Nov 2007 20:31:41 GMT

I want my hands and wrists to be sooo bony
I want to lose ten pounds by next sunday. That's my goal

xxxx

Sun, 11 Nov 2007 20:11:48 GMT

When I live on my own...
Im going to buy seven oranges...one for supper every night.
Then seven grapefruit..one for breakfast every night.
And Ill buy a pack of yogurt. For craving crunchers.

xxx

Sun, 11 Nov 2007 19:06:22 GMT

Hey Girls
Im not doing so well this weekend. The weeks are good....
but I find that when I go to my best friends house, I eat more. She eats a lot
and shes sooooooooooooo skinny.

I think I need to avoid going over there for a little bit : [

I dont know if its weird...but the thing I want to be boniest are my wrists and my neck bone(collar)
I want to see bones in my hands everytime I write or do something....

Fri, 09 Nov 2007 23:31:07 GMT

How do I know if I've been accepted to PA ?????????

Cause I've been waiting for like three weeks : O

Maybe they dont want me??

and what does it mean to plateau while fasting????????????????

Fri, 09 Nov 2007 23:07:12 GMT

Today was the first time I purged without sticking something down my throat.
I couldnt live with those fries in my stomach : [
So I threw it up by just bending over and making gagging noises.....making myself think I was throwing up..hence throwing up.
Im so happy my body is being trained for something else.

When I purge....I always cry. Not emotionally.....just my eyes stream with tears. Does anyone know why?

Okay

Fri, 09 Nov 2007 22:49:04 GMT

Well I've lost 4 pounds in the last week.

I've got the new scale and it helps me so much.
But Im such a pig.

:[ So far today I've had jello and 10 fries. If I didnt have the fries then I know I would be less fat. ugh. ohmygod...do you know how much grease is on fries?? holy holy. I should have had like 3 : [ I was so hungry though : [

Mon, 05 Nov 2007 02:04:14 GMT

okay Im off to go upstairs and fulfill my emotional needing and want for hunger with tea. and reading. it always helps.

xxx
Stay strong girls : ]